Programs and error code

Winter vacations are on in Mumbai, the air smells of holidays, shopping and all the festivities around Christmas. The winter chill is absent in Mumbai this time, it is going to be a warm Christmas .

Yesterday while I was taking a walk, I saw young mothers who have already wrapped their small kids in winter wear! I could see sweaters, mufflers, monkey caps..phew! and all this when the max temperature in this city is around 32 and min around 21. I think parents are programmed that irrespective of what the weather conditions are on the ground, if it is December then you have to take the woolies out. Poor kids I could sense how uncomfortable they would be feeling. I am amazed at these parents, have they lost their weather sense? Surprisingly they themselves are dressed in their summer gear but loves to torture their kids with winter wear..

Life’s routine installs some program within us with triggers that activate this program based on timing. One such trigger is the doorbell. My mother knows the exact time when knock signals delivery of milk or collection of garbage. If one of them is late, then she ends greeting the milk man with trash bag!. Program has triggers based on time with no other safe guard built. The parents who packed their kids are also a victim of such not so efficient programs. Winter is late, but they have already packed their kids thanks to the trigger December. Wish I could flash them an error code.

A Priceless Lick!

I was off blogging as my pet was diagnosed with lymphoma. Like every other family we were in denial. I tried reasoning out with the vet that it could be something else. It took a while but we have accepted it. Together we are giving it a fight.

Days before he was diagnosed with cancer, Prince stopped urinating. There was huge swelling around his prostate gland which was blocking the urethra and the passage of urine. I recall one night, when he was terribly uncomfortable. The next morning we had to take him to the vet to catheterise him so that the urine could be taken out. That one night was a painful long night.

Every minute he used to get up and run to the bathroom in an attempt to relive himself. Frustrated he would get back but the urge combined with the pain would make him run again. None of us slept, we tried to make him sleep for some time, but failed. The doc prescribed some analgesic which could have helped him sleep but that too did not work.

His BP and heart rate was up, he was panting badly and totally exhausted. I was frustrated too, and helpless. When he went to the bathroom, I sat down at the passage, not knowing what to do. Prince was trying but nothing came out, he gave up and started walking towards his bed, I could see he was in pain. He walked past me, then suddenly turned back and came towards me.

There I was sitting on the floor in utter frustration, totally helpless. He came towards me and licked me. I could not help but hug him. Even when he was in pain, he tried to comfort me. This lick will remain etched in my memory for long. A simple lick taught me a lesson for life!.

Prince is recovering fast..by gods grace.

There are no accidents!

I am not a big movie fan. I pick and choose movies to match based on reviews and first hand information from friends and acquaintances.

One of my favorite movies is the Kung Fu Panda. The dialogue between the Master and Shifu that “ There are no accidents” left an impression on me. The other one from the same movie, which impressed me, is about believing. I think both go hand in hand. You need to “ believe” that “there are no accidents”!

I am not the one who takes things at face value. It is difficult to convince me due to my probing nature. When I first heard the statement “There are no accidents”, it tickled my probing nerves. I went through all those so called accidents in life and went on to introspect how they shaped my life. The accidents turned the course of my life , it took me to a different level. I always wanted to own a home of my own. While most of girls my age was waiting for their prince charming to sweep the, off their foot, I was scouring through news paper ads, and trying to figure out, where and how could I manage to get a roof over my head. I had started working and my pay packet was not that good for me to enable to afford a house.

Then an accident happened. I got a call from a woman who has been entrusted with recruiting for a new start up. They were looking for someone with experience in debt markets. Apparently my reference was provided by an ex colleague. I still wonder till date why he referred me, as we hardly knew each other, it could have been an accident. The offer was a 400% jump from my then existing levels. I lapped up that offer. Needless to say the first thing I did was book an apartment.

The accident turned out to be sour when the start up wound up after 1.5 yrs. Salaries were slashed 50%. Mortgage payment consumed 70 % of my pay and my float money was slowly getting exhausted. Add to that medical emergencies at home, was draining every penny that I had. I told my mother to be ready as I will have to tap in to her resources in case the drought continues. As some one said when a Cheetah chases you, you will make every effort to run ahead of the Cheetah. In six months I was able to find another job, which provided me the much needed, financial stability.

Years later when my parents lost their apartment to a unscrupulous builder , they remarked to me that it was extremely wise on my part for having invested in a house, so that they could move in time of need. Rest of the people who lost their apartments were moving from one rented premise to another every 12 months. The accident that triggered off a chain of actions and reactions today helped us have a roof over our heads.

Dispassionate Insensitive..Heartless!

How many times have you been accused of insensitive..accused of being heartless. I am sure many of us have accused others also of being insensitive and have wondered how can one afford to be on.
Recently my brother accused me of being one. I was aghast at the allegation. I could not gauge how could he accuse me of being insensitive and heartless for some fish in the tank. That too coming from a person who gorges on fish curry and fried fish. Until a few months back the fish tank was full of life, with a variety of fishes. People who visited us would spend time staring at the fishes and admiring how it was being maintained. Of late it has been in a state of neglect and fishes are falling dead one by one. On being asked by my mother as to why he was no more caring for it, he said he is overcome with grief and hence chose to stay away from it.
The reason, all the baby fish are dead, and I am the culprit. Few months back he was away for a week, and I was left to care for the fish tank. Unfortunately we ran out of fish food and I was not aware of the store that sells fish feed. I chose to feed them broken wheat rather than let them go hungry. The fishes were happy on being served their meal, but according to my brother that proved fatal. Fishes are not supposed to be fed broken wheat according to him and they started dying.
The death of fishes broke his heart; he had cared for them a lot. When they were born he fished them out of the main tank to prevent them being eaten by the bigger ones. He created a separate nursery for them, which was small bowl borrowed from the kitchen. He nursed them in the nursery till they grew enough to face the bigger fishes in the tank. My mother added her bit to the tragic story, she said, “ no matter how late he came, he would check on the baby fishes”.
Did this story cut ice with me? NOOO! I laughed it off. I could not imagine so much drama over some fishes. I have better things to worry about. I just don’t relate to it.
How one relates to events in everyday life decides how passionate or dispassionate we are to these events. I recall an interesting conversation when Anna Hazare’s fast against corruption stirred up the nation. People asked why Irom Sharmila, who has been fasting for 10 yrs now against the Armed Forces Special Power Act never got the kind of support that Anna did. It is quite simple, an issue like corruption is all-pervasive, and there is not a single person who does not relate to it.
If you ask about the draconian Armed Forces Special Power act, not many relate to it. Those powers are bestowed on the army where it is engaged in a battle against secessionist. Irom might be fasting for a cause she is passionate about, but I simply don’t relate to it. To her I might me heartless and insensitive to her cause but I have a reason not to be passionate about.

I never bothered to check on dogs until Prince my 9-year-old lab came in to our lives and occupied centre stage. Today I know every dog owner in my residential area, I am sympathetic and considerate towards strays. I can’t see them in pain, all because I relate to them.

I am a passionate dog lover impassionate towards fishes in the tank!

Ads : A reflection of Society

I am one of those who enjoy the ad breaks. I hum catchy ad jingles the way people hum movie/album songs much to the chagrin of friends and colleagues. Not that I am alone, I recall this woman during my childhood days who used to come home to watch ad’s and skip the movie!!!.

On a serious note I am a serious ad watcher. I think you can get an interesting peek in to the audience by observing ads; it reflects what matters to the audience at large. Even during my travels I surf channels to see what and how things are sold in every country.

There are certain things unique about selling in India. I have not seen bowls, spoons, glasses offered as freebies to market packaged edible goods in western countries. Here we see ads enticing customers with a free bowl if one buys biscuits/gulab jamuns etc. Though I don’t get enticed by these ads, I am sure this works because almost all manufacturer’s of FMCG goods employ this as their marketing strategy. This could be because of the Indian psyche, which looks for bargains and freebies. Most of the time the bowls, spoons, offered is not of good quality. Who cares if they are not, what matters is that you are getting them for free!.

If you have noticed health drinks like Horlicks, Complan etc, their ads always show mothers and sons . The daughter is missing. I think only Pediasure showed mom and a daughter, a rare departure. Ad gurus know India’s preference for the male child and how families doest find it worthwhile investing in their daughters. I think Pediasure’s sales would have fallen following their earlier ad, because the recent one features a male child.

The obsession to look fair is widespread across Asia. I have not been to Africa so cant comment. In Singapore / Hong Kong girls like being white skinned. TV is flush with ads that promise flawless fair skin. The fairness creams brands that turn yellow skin to white in HK and SG, is a very versatile product. The minute it reaches India, they start working on the brown Indian skin!. What is wrong in giving hope …smartly packaged in ads that target audience with surgical precision.

While these are amusing, the ad scene in the US is quite sad. Most common ads are those marketing anti depression drugs. Indians are frustrated and Americans are depressed. Honestly speaking the ads has the potential to make any one feel depressed. The blatant advertisement of such products, provide immediate succor, but doest not address the issue of loneliness and insecurity, the root cause of depression.

Unlike India , Lawyers in the US are allowed to advertise their services. Often you get to see ads asking people to come forward to claim damages for medical injuries and how they could be eligible for handsome settlements. No wonder Lawyers,Doctors & Insurance companies make a lot of money in the US.The only difference, Doctors make money to pay Insurance against such claims and Insurance in turn pays the Lawyers. They run an economy amongst themselves and provide employement to many I must say!

The next in line are those promoting libido, and health products. In a country where obesity is a major health problem, those promising a slim and trim figure are a hot sell. The kind of heavy people I saw there, nowhere else did I see. Drugs that enhance sexual performance target both middle aged men and woman. It indicates a high level of activity in that age group. I wonder what people in the land of Kamasutra do? we don’t have such ads. Wait a minute are we not supposed to let go of all desires once we touch middle age!.

Next time you see an ad, don’t just watch and forget it. Ads tell you a lot about the society that we live in, its preferences, issues, struggles all bundled and nicely packaged and presented in seconds!

My third meeting with god’s emissary

Today after a long break I took a bus for a visit to the doctor. It was raining and I was partially drenched but I was out to prove something. I was out to prove that I am independent, that I can do things for myself, that I can take an arduous route if need be. The fire in belly was ignited by two back-to-back incidents where I was refused help.

The last time also I proved that I could manage if denied help. It left a bitter taste in my mouth as I thought life is all about give and take. Here there was give, but no take. At first I asked my self if the take was too much and the answer was a clear no. I never took, the incidents were far and few between. Though I proved that I could do on my own, there was bitterness. This bitterness stemmed out of what we tend believe that it is our right to get help.

With all the bitterness I was in my world in the bus. As the bus station approached, the bus came to a halt. I did not get up to alight as the station was still a few yards away. Soon passengers got up to leave, that’s when I realized that there was major block ahead and we had to alight before our stop.

I was among the last few to leave. That’s when I noticed a girl asking if we have reached the station. I thought to myself that she probably would be traveling for the first time. The bus driver told her that she has to alight here and that we wont be going to the station. She got up to alight, that’s when I noticed, something wrong. She got up from her seat, which was bang opposite the exit and instead of getting out, started walking straight in to the area where the driver was. By this time I was about to alight and the driver asked me if I could help this woman. I turned to see and realized that the girl is blind. She did not have a walking stick, but wore dark glasses, but honestly speaking it looked like a designer sunglasses to me.

I offered to help her walk to the station. She is a pretty girl, I was surprised why she did not carry her walking stick, if she had one, people will be more considerate and understand her situation. She wore dark glasses, but they looked more like sunglasses. I could not ask her why she was not carrying a stick. While I was holding her hand and guiding her to the station, she was asking me to careful of the water puddles and that I might slip. She told me she commutes every day for work ,about 40 kms one way, taking a train and a bus. I dropped her at the station bridge. She said she can manage from there and that is where she gets down from the bus every day. We both thanked each other for the gesture.

I am sure everyone who is reading this will wonder why I should be thanking her. I think god reaches out to us through people. In those 15 minutes she gave me the answers that I was looking for. First if she can be on her own, why should some one like me who is blessed with all good things in life be dependent on any one. Second her decision not to use a walking stick. To me the walk stick stood for all things that we tend to dependent on. She did not want to announce to the world her disabilities nor was she expecting sympathies. Her decision not to use one taught me, that although there are people and things that we can depend on and make our life easier, you could also do without them. Depending on them at times becomes a habit and we start underestimating ourselves.

The bus ride was worth it, because it killed my bitterness. I met god again, my third experience in the past one-year.

The art of giving

Recently my friend forwarded me a presentation that says why we should give away things to make way for the new. The message was not only meant for material things but also mental/emotional baggage. It said give away or throw them out of your system so that new things enter your life.

I have this habit of cleaning up my cupboard at regular intervals. I either trash or donate those, which is of no use to me. Though I practice this, my family doesn’t. Most of them have a war chest of antique items. My mother is a fine example; she always cribs about the lack of space to store but doesn’t think on the lines of making space for the new.

I was very happy to share the presentation with her, so much so that I did a presentation of the presentation itself for her. The fact that the presentation was from the “Art of living” there was a religious bend to it and I tried to sell the message as the message of god. I tried telling her even god wants you to make space for new things in life by donating or discarding the old. Earlier whenever I asked her to donate or trash any thing old, she would retort “ your parents are also old, does that mean you would discard us one day”. That was it, she would bowl me out with these dialogues.

This time I was able to mouth gods message of giving and making things for new. For a change I was able to convince her. She would complain at times that god was not listening to her despite her repeated pleas. Her daughter was not married; son was still struggling in life. Nothing was moving despite her prayers to god. I jumped to explain why it was not working. I made her believe that status quo was being maintained in her life because she was blocking change. Where will change come and reside, I asked her. I told her, her mind and cupboard were full; make space for god to be kind J.

Half-heartedly she agreed. She reviewed her cupboard for things that could be discarded. She stumbled on an old synthetic saree and decided that she would gift it to our maid. Mission accomplished.

One day after I returned from work, my mother looked very upset. On being asked why she was so upset, my mother let loose her anger on me. “You asked me to donate and look what happened…the maid refused my donation”… .I asked her to calm down and tried to get the exact picture. Apparently when my mom gifted the saree to my maid, she inspected it closely and rejected it immediately. She found that saree worn outJ. My mother was angry that the maid could refuse her donation, her largesse!! I wanted to tell my mom that the maid is not to be blamed; it shows how much she uses and reuses things leaving them with no life. I could not dare say that, considering her temper. All my convincing on the art of giving had gone waste.

I tried to wriggle out of the situation by telling my mom that while sharing and donating is important, it is equally important that we donate to the right people. The maid was not the right person to receive her saree, there are more needy out there. May be she should try the woman who comes to collect trash, she would need it more than my maid. For now I have managed to convince her and fervently hope the trash woman does not reject it. My mother feels it is better to barter the same for utensils, her practice for long. There is hardly any place for utensils in the kitchen, and you are not creating space for new things in your life I reminded here.

She gave me an unconvinced look, I think the art of giving has been booted out of her system for now at least L.

Right blend of intelligence and marketing skills

Mid year is the time of self-appraisals in most of the organizations. It’s a nightmare to some including me. To Sunita, a good friend of mine it is an occasion where her manager reduces her confidence to bits after relentless badgering. How she wished this could be done away with. Yet she has survived in the same organization for 8yrs now.

Last year during mid year process she asked her manager if she could look for growth by the end of the year. Her manager was all for it, encouraged her, said she was in the right direction. End of the year she was surprised when her letter did not spell out that she has been promoted. She confronted her manager only to be told that she only asked for growth and not promotion. So her workload was doubled as she asked for growth but not her grade or salary. Lesson learnt, in the corporate world be very clear about what you are expecting.

Every year the format of the appraisal would be that her manager would start talking and level a barrage of volleys where she went wrong. Sunita would just listen. When the time came for her to bat the volleys, Sunita’s confidence would have been battered. She forgot what good things she did. In the end all that would get documented was the managers views and her views highly shaped and influenced by managers volleys. By the time Sunita came out of trance the appraisal would have been signed sealed and delivered.

After 8 years my friend decided she would change the game. This time when the mid year session was called my friend decided to be in the drivers seat. This time on entering the room, Sunita set the tone of the discussion. For the first time in life she decided to market herself. She started talking of all great things that she did, so much so that even in failure she pointed out what she learnt out of those and how she implemented those learning’s to deliver on a winning note. Her manager was dumbfounded. He did try to cut her short, but Sunita would not allow. At times she repeated the same facts again and again, but she did not stop. Finally when her mouth completely dried out she asked her manager for his opinion. He agreed after a long pause with some tits and bits of failures. Sunita was magnanimous enough to let him have some of his stance. She asked him point blank if she can expect to be promoted to which he replied yes.

Lesson learnt, you might be intelligent, might be a whiz kid but if you don’t know how to market it, you will never succeed. My boss is quite blunt about it; he is a very good marketing guy with an average intelligence. He always tells me he can hire ten intelligent guys under him and get the task delivered. A six sigma black belt adorns his desk, as he says his pride possession is a result of his marketing skills. He says over a dozen projects were presented for the award, and according to his own admission and that of a judge, his project was well presented though content of others were far better.

Before I conclude I am also one of the dumb intelligent person with zero marketing skills. At times I think I can shine by hiring a marketing guy the way my boss hires intelligent people. The fact however is that only those that are visible sells. So I will still remain in the background. The present model works better J.

Summer in Gurgaon

I had been to Gurgaon recently on an official trip. I was there to conduct interviews. It was not exactly the peak of summer as it had rained a week back. But the temperatures were sent soaring due to the presence of several head honchos of the bank I work for. All of them had descended to screen candidates for the most ambitious off shoring project that our bank has undertaken in the recent past.

In a span of 3 days I met about 30 candidates. It was a great experience. I had heard about young and hungry India and there it was on full display. Most of them were graduates with postgraduate management degrees. Some of the institutes were obscure but the confidence displayed by the candidates was amazing. They could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo!!!.

90% of them were from small towns of India, the names of which I have read about only in textbooks. Panipat, Dwarka, Allahabad etc. I could see the arrival of the small town to share the prosperity that India has been churning out which until now was restricted to big cities of India.

During interviews I would recall those days when I was their age, fresh from college, dreams to make it big but not enough opportunities. In 10 years things have changed. The guys were job-hopping; the maximum time any one would have spent is 2 years. The standard answer given by most for a change was “more challenge” though none could convincingly define the challenge they were after.

Driven by habit I could not stop lecturing this young India on the importance of building a career. They all agreed, but I have no clue how many of them would take that seriously. Monetary jump is more important to them and the least a candidate is expecting is around 25% increase. This made me wonder where I was when god was distributing this kind of destiny.

I could not help but notice the skewed male-female ratio. It is prevalent in North India. The girls we met could impress any one. To me they represented a glimmer of hope that daughters can survive in this rough terrain.

The interview session was successful. We could manage to issue offer letters to 60% of the candidates interviewed. For some of them it would be a sea change in monetary and career terms. Their dreams are about to take flight, the take off was from small towns and cities of India, the place of landing only time will tell.

Nature Vs Nurture

Every morning when I leave for work I meet this cute little boy aged about seven in the lift. His name is Pratish. Like all school children in India he has this huge back pack the weight of which makes him bend. He is a boy with a tiny, slim frame but full of enthusiasm. Today it was raining heavily and being a Friday I was dragging myself to work. I asked the little boy if he was bored to go to school and he said “not really”. I prodded him a bit more to accept my reasoning that it is too hard to work when it’s raining heavily and you could have a cozy sleep. He reluctantly agreed with a shy smile.

Coming to the topic that I am writing about, this little boy’s mannerism floors me. In India I am not used men holding the door for a woman or making way for women. Young Pratish is an exception; he holds the lift door for me with all the weight he is carrying for me. I try not to make him hold, but he refuses to budge. This makes me wonder if manners are a result of nature or nurture.

I have come across many men well educated, and so called cultured type, not many of whom will do what young Pratish does. The same men go out of way when it comes to their family or friends but with strangers they are at their rowdy best.

Bang opposite where I stay there is a bus stop. Every morning I see men and woman waiting for the bus. The minute the bus arrives men start pushing and they do not stop even from pushing woman. These are the educated middle class of India. Among this crowd is a guy who stays in my very apartment complex who has an impeccable style, talks well, and is a loving husband and a father. The wait at the bus stop makes him lock all his manners in a safe vault. He is the first to push everyone in his way not bothering to see who he has pushed out. If I were to dissect his behavior I think the way he has been nurtured has defined how he treats his wife and kids. His nature which is animal behavior is in full display at the bus stop.

It is also said behavior is also linked to environment and to make an objective comparison of behavior one has to ensure the environment is the same. This is true from my driving experience in Bombay and in the US. In the US the road manners are impeccable and every one follows the rules. However there too I saw an exception where Bombay style driving manners were in full display. Near my office a narrow road led to a free way entrance. After five in the evening the road was choked with cars trying to get to the free way. To add to the chaos was a gas station just near the entrance of the free way.

At times I had to wait at the signal for 20 minutes or more despite having a green signal, because of the block. People tried all tricks up their sleeves to get ahead of others and all traffic etiquettes were down in the dumps. The interesting fact is that just 15 feet away from this mess, people would graciously give me way when I tried to enter the road from my office compound where there was not much traffic. So at a distance of 15 feet two kinds of behavior is on display. The people are the same, time of the day is the same, and the only difference is the environment, which in this case is the traffic.

Nurtured behavior is a result of training whereas nature is what we are born with. Nurturing can help shape an individual, the nature remains within, in latent form and never leaves a person. Nature raises its head when the environment changes, the same environment in which one was nurtured.

I would love to believe that for Pratish holding the door for a woman is his nature and not a result of nurture.

Sons and Daughters

Recently when my friend called me to wish me on my birthday. She informed me that she is planning to take a break and come to India to be with her mother who has been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. They are two sisters , my friend lives in the US and her older sister in Dubai.

Ever since their father died about 10 yrs back, their mother is shuttling between India and Dubai. US authorities rejected her visa and hence my friend used to come down to India and spend time with her whenever she could. But since she landed up a job, those visits became rare as you don't get much paid leave in the US.

Aunty once told me she misses not having a son. Her reasoning was that she could have stayed at one place and the daughters would not have been troubled with all the running around. I always felt she is lucky the way she is having blessed with two daughters who have put practicality aside and has been with her throughout.

From an outsider point of view I think the daughters never ever felt the burden. Even now my friend has financial liabilities, but yet she is taking a break and coming to India for her mothers treatment. I am not saying that she is doing it because she is a daughter and that a son would not have done it. But I think daughters are more attached emotionally, whereas Sons are more practical. When a decision has to be made they tend to think over it practically than emotionally.

I have found women who stands by their family whether right or wrong, they say right or wrong is secondary , its family that takes priority. Most of such woman feel let down later on by the same people whom they once called family. Family is a changing concept, for a woman until marriage it is her father , mother , brother /sister, which makes her family. Once married, the definition of "family " shifts to husband, children etc. But the shift in the definition happens for everyone irrespective of gender. However the shift is more evident in males. Guys are practical, once married they know its their wife and kids who needs to be moved up the priority ladder. So mothers feels let down when they see the shift in their sons. Most of my aunts are only blessed with sons, and all of them are married, suddenly I see them longing for a daughter in their twilight of their lives. Not that they do not take care, not that they do not provide them with the comforts, its is the shift that irks them. Shift of loyalties/affection etc.

Relationships constantly evolve, they keep reinventing themselves, it follows the universal rule of change. People who understand this are wise ones. As long as one does not lose sense of humanity, it should not matter to us with any one moving on or shifting gears of life in terms of attachment. The lecture that Lord Krishna gave Arjun when he refused to fight his own kin is very relevant. May be thats why men are more practical in life . Wish I could get him address woman too :-).

Appu..My Nephew

Appu is my seven year old nephew. His real name is Shobith but we all call him Appu :-). Now if you ask me why Appu, let me tell you my pet name is Tuttu. It runs in the family. In fact once Appu asked me ..Why is your name Tuttu??? and I had to reply for the same reason that you are named Appu!!!. That was it, no more questions.

He is an impish, naughty and a gold hearted kid. He is one of those lonely desi kid in the US of A, dying to get a playmate. Last year when I was there, Appu nicely made me his playmate. Whenever I used to visit him, he used to pull out all his toys and we played. At times when we used to play football in the house and when my kick used to break things , he would try and pacify my by saying" Dont worry Tuttu aunty, if dad asks who broke this, I will tell him I did it ..lets continue to play". Here I was under the protection of my seven year old nephew against his six footer dad !!!.

Like all kids of his age, Appu loves any thing that is sweet. Most of the time he used to ask me to buy him donuts. When I asked him how many donuts should I buy, pat came his reply, if you and mommy will also have from my share then we need to buy more, else two should suffice. My cousin had the habit of snatching candies from her son and that had made Appu wary of adults prying on his delicacies. All said and done he would gladly share if asked to.

Though Appu is 7 yrs old, he lacks stamina of kids in that age group. He is a poor eater and like American kids addicted to junk food. He had a neighbour in 2 year old Arjun from punjab. Arjun is a pudgy kid full of energy and quite a hyper kid. Appu was very glad to have him around. Arjun was the playmate he was longing to have, language was a barrier though. Arjun understood only Hindi, Appu knew English, Malyalam and Tamil. The first word Appu wanted to learn in Hindi was how to say " no" in Hindi!!!!. Arjun was too much for him to handle physically too. Like a tornado Arjun used to sweep in and sweep out with all of Appu's toys. Poor Appu did not know what to do, so he thought may be by saying " Nahi" ie no in Hindi he could stop the tornado...he was grossly mistaken. Arjun was more than happy to see Appu speak his language that he unleashed a fresh onslaught on him.

As days passed Arjun proved to be a bane for Appu. Once I teased Appu that if he ate well and built some muscles he will be able to beat Arjun. When I said "beat" I implied he would be able to over power Arjun and not physically beat him. But Appu was aghast at what I said, he thought I am asking him to physically beat Arjun. His response was" Arjun is a baby, I am not supposed to beat him". He truly has a golden heart. I was touched. Soon Appu started avoiding Arjun, he could match the energy and naughtiness of the two year old. Luckily Appu's parents moved out to a neighboring state.

Me and Appu got along very well. We spend hours playing and chatting. I used to impress Appu with my impoverished magic with playing cards. He taught me to play Nintendo and Wii. I am allergic to computer and video games, but Appu would not give up on me. He would teach me to play and I had no option but to play with him. I must tell you he indeed is a patient teacher. He would lower the game levels so that his dumb aunty could play.

While in the car I would always sit in the back seat with Appu. He once asked me why I always sat with him at the back when the front seat was empty. To this I replied" I like to sit with you". Appu was so happy to hear that and he blushed. Honestly I was not lying, I loved to be with him.

Like Indian kids who grow up in foreign shores, Appu too has his share of insecurity and inferiority complex of being an Indian. Once I happened to tell Appu that he looked like the boy in the movie "Stuart Little", pat came the reply, " but Tuttu Aunty he is a few shades lighter than me". I was taken aback. At that age I never realized any thing about color, race, religion, but Appu was already aware of. Appu would never eat his lunch if my cousin packed some Indian food. He was very conscious. To some extent I think his parents were responsible.

They did contribute to the uncomfortableness about his origins that Appu has. Any good trait that Appu has is attributed to his American upbringing and absence of any negative traits is attributed to his staying away from India by his parents. Before going to bed Appu brushes his teeth. One day he came and told his dad that he is going to sleep without brushing. His parents were unanimous in their verdict that Appu is honest and unlike "Indian" kids he is not lying.

Little Appu is privy to these conversation. His young mind is not able to read the fine lines, he sees everything in black and white. I admonished my cousin for making such statements. As someone said, children are like clay they get the shape depending on how we mould them. Formative years are very important in a child's life. Every time his parents pull down everything that is Indian, little Appu is developing complexes about his origins.

I moved out of US, and I miss Appu and the time that we had together. When I look back at my childhood and compare it with what Appu has, I feel he is missing so much. Things like race, nationality which was alien to me at that age, seven year old Appu is already feeling and living it.

Changing face of school education

Some time back a common family friend invited me for a dinner. Our conversation veered towards the couple’s daughter aged about 12. The family was divided in two groups, the father on one side and the mother and daughter on the other, the bone of contention, curriculum that the 12 year old should follow.

The girl is quite a bright kid and is topping her class. She is an all rounder good in sports, studies and all other extra curricular activities. She goes to a school that follows CBSE curriculum. The mother and daughter were not happy with CBSE and wanted to move to an IB school and the father was not in favor of it.

The arguments were quite amusing. I checked with the girl as for the reason for her need to shift to an IB school. She stressed the importance such schools gives for overall personality development, which was absent in her school.

I personally did not feel that the girl lacked personality, she was confident, intelligent and spoke and behaved well for her 12 years of age. On prodding further she confided that many of her friends had shifted to IB schools and she felt left out. IB was fashionable and the in thing.

Her dad a senior executive in a private firm was against such schools. According to him the IB schools curriculum were not challenging enough. He was of the strong opinion that such schools were all style and no substance.

The argument went on, and I was a mute spectator. Post that I started noticing the school bus that came every morning to our society to pick up kids. The suburb of Mumbai where I grew up mostly had subsidized public schools. It was a middle class locality and had concentrations of south Indian population. Needless to say I studied in a school run by one of those south Indian association. It was an aided school and girls studied for free. Boys were charged a nominal amount. The school was affiliated to the state board. There were other schools run by Christian community but they too were aided schools. So private schools were far and few.

I still live in the same locality, but we now have an IB school, countless private schools and the old public schools. Is this an indication of prosperity?

The school that I studied is now a lower middle class school per the new standards. I recently asked a young mother about my school and she said only those who could not afford the fees send their children there. Her daughter goes to a private school. I was curious and checked if the school is an IB school. The daughter immediately and very proudly said yes. But her mother intervened corrected that it was not an IB school but an expensive CBSE private school. The daughter aged about 7 looked upset, possibly realizing that she was not belonging to the elite IB club. She wanted to know why her school was not an IB.

Sensing where the discussion was heading I moved on.

Even among parents the school to which their child goes to has become an indication of their social standing. These parents are part of the so-called new educated middle class in Mumbai and most of them work for MNC’s. Increasing disposable incomes have made such schools affordable and if not affordable, parents pull all stops to ensure that make it available to their kids. One lady told me, when her husband lost her job, her major cause of worry was her kid’s school fees. She cut all corners to ensure that the children continue in the same school, which formed a major chunk of her monthly expenses.

I find kids today are much smarter and knowledgeable, call it generation gap. To what extent the new generation schools have a role to play in making the present kids smarter is something I am unaware of. Our schools were not so good in imparting soft skills or developing our personality but they did make us what we are today. I have to accept it was not easy to face this world, some times we fell flat on our face, at times we stumbled, but we learned to pick ourselves up We survived and we excelled.

Prince...My Prince

Its been 9 yrs since Prince entered out lives. 9 yrs and yet I see the same kind of enthusiasm in him when ever I come home every day. At times I tip toe to see if he reacts, and all the time I lose, Prince is up on his feet the minute he senses I am back. Every day morning without fail he is there to wake me up for our morning walk.

Prince is my pet Labrador. My brother got him home, much against the family wishes. I was neutral at that time. My family wanted him to return Prince back, but seeing my brothers pain, I supported him and Prince got to stay back. The warm reception that he has been giving me every day for the past 9 yrs is not restricted to me only. He extends this to everyone at home. I have my mood swings, sometimes I acknowledge him other time I don't. But Prince is not deterred, whether you acknowledge his gestures or not he does his duty. Is mood swing a human phenomenon? I wonder.

He is cuddly as a bear, he is naughty as a kid, when required he bares his fangs, that is Prince.

At one point of time my mother hated him, but gradually she learned to love him. If my brother has a tiff with my mother, and if my brother shouts at my mother, Prince jumps to her rescue. He takes his position next to her all set to defend her should the need arise.

I think he also knows what we talk. At times when I converse with my mother I have seen him turn attentive when we discuss anything concerning him.

I also think he is capable of reading our thoughts. At times I just have to think that I have to go out and plan logistic in my mind, Prince will spring out of nowhere ready to come with me. He loves outdoors. He loves to play with balls. I have to be careful when I take him out to places where kids play cricket. He takes position to take the next catch!.

I recall an incident. Once around mid night Prince woke me up. I was upset, I pushed him away, but he would not budge. I just went to the other end of the bed so that he could not reach me and then nicely went to sleep. The next morning I realized that my brother had fallen off a bike and injured himself. He came home but did not wake any one up, he was in pain and Prince had come to wake me up. My brother was in so much pain that he slept on the couch, with Prince licking his wounds all night.

He loves to catch birds that come to our balcony. At times my brother helps him and it is really nice to see Prince co-ordinating so neatly in tandem. I think animals are good team players, they know when to allow one to take the lead and when to follow.

During these years he battled two bouts of serious illness. Both the time my brother gave up hope, but Prince held on. He showed amazing will to fight it out. Even when he was gravely ill he never missed to wag his tail and greet any one who visited him.

If you ask me what I most admire in him , then it is self less love , never dying enthusiasm in what we consider as routine and mundane matters. When I am down all I have to do is hug him for the best medicine of life. Get a dog :-)

Where did they go!

A few days back I read an article on waning significance of Postman in India with the advent of internet/private courier. I realized that I have witnessed so many professions vanish over a period of time.

I grew up in Bombay during the late seventies and eighties. As I kid I recall how vendors used to scream from the top of their voices selling their products one after the other right from the morning till late evening. Most of them had a specified time during the day during which they would visit our localities.

Of them I guess only the vegetable/fruit vendors remain, that too I don’t see many. Most of them buy from the local markets or super markets nowadays.

Some of the business were unique . There was this barter system wherein you could exchange your old clothes for new steel utensils. The communities who engaged in this trade were mostly from Gujrat and the vendors were woman. I recall they used to come home with their vares and my mom used to spread out the stock of old clothes that we had. Sarees/Trousers and Shirts commanded a premium. If they were torn they got discounted. My mother and the vendor used to spend hours haggling over the right value of exchange. My mother used to pick the largest of the utensil and the vendor lady would show her he smallest of the piece and justify it. Most of the time she managed to extract an extra Saree or a trouser. At times if our luck was bad the supposedly steel utensil would crack wide open in a few days. That was enough to get the vendor black listed. Next time we would move to a new vendor. I was told that the clothes were recycled and made in to new ones and then sold at flea markets. I guess Indians did more for their environment then.

The next was the rice puff guy. He would generally come around 4pm with his bag full of rice puffs, a small bag having spiced lentils and peanuts. He sold the rice puffs for 10 paise, the spiced lentils was a bit expensive, 20 paise. Today 10 and 20 paise coin is history, so is rice puff vendor. Getting a rice puff or the spiced lentil was such treat those days and was more satisfying than what a burger can do today. I had to literally beg my parents to buy me a pack of rice puffs then.

The other vendor who comes to mind is the “Kulfi” vendor. Kulfi is the Indian counterpart of the Ice Cream. It is made in earthen pots in a very traditional way.

The vendor used to come to sell this mouthwatering stuff close to midnight. They did not have the freezers , so the timing was apt to prevent the Kulfi from melting. Around 9-10 pm I could hear the shouts of “KULFIIIII”. They were not cheap, and came in different ranges, the cheapest one I guess came of Rs1/- and the expensive one in the range of R2 or Rs 3/-. We could only afford the Rs1/- Kulfi and occasionally used to get treated with a Rs2 or Rs 3 Kulfi. The quality of the milk and the flavour decided the price. Trust me it was a real treat to have a Kulfi during our summer school breaks. At times my parents used to refuse to buy us one and we used to remove our frustration on the kulfi vendor. We would hide in our balconies and call him out. Poor guy would wait and try to locate his prospective client and we used to hide and enjoy our moment of fun.

I wonder at times as to what happened to these professions and where did they get absorbed in this new India. Today I give my old clothes to my maid, rice puffs are bought from stores and so is Kulfi. They are now sold under major brands.

I miss those vendors specially the ones who sold goodies , they were so cheaply priced from todays standards, but nothing of today can match their taste. Timeless!

Law of attraction!

I have been in a confused state of late. This led to introspection and I kind of replayed my entire life in a bid to understand how and when things took shape to lead me where I am today.

That is when I realized some of the thoughts/visions that existed in my mind as a kid. As I went back the memory lane, I was surprised to find that how life unfolded before me later on in life, i already had a preview much before it happened. The more I probed, the more I saw visions that stared at me as a kid translated in to reality later on in life.

I desperately went out searching for the book "The Secret" which I had bought about 2 yrs back. I had read it and left it one corner. By the time I found the book, I was exhausted to read it. I turned to see the online documentary on the book. That was the good thing to do. As one after other, speakers spoke about the law of attraction, it was hitting me hard. Here I was, I was a fine example of it. I did not consciously apply the law of attractions but how life unfolded before me was exactly what I visualized it to be. Some were good, some were bad, others resulted in the stagnation that I always feared.

I did lot of research on the net on this law of attraction. I read the views of the skeptics of this law. They did make a point. However it did not convince me that the law is fake. How can I ignore my own life and how things unfolded. If there is law, there are exception too. Like per the law of gravity, an apple comes down, but there is an exception to this rule as well, the balloon goes up. Exceptions does not render basic laws flawed, it only highlights conditions when a law can fail .

I made a resolve to set the vision for the rest of my life and live and breathe it. I decided to apply the law of attraction to my life in all earnest. I know the law will work, as for the exceptions that I will leave to the skeptics to track :-).

Revolution

The happenings in Egypt have not got the kind of coverage expected of such an event in India. Right now we have out own set of domestic issues that has caught the nations attention. High-end corruption tops the list.

Ordinary taxpayer is frustrated at the insatiable appetite of the politicians. The scams run in to billions of dollars and with a new case being uncovered these amounts are setting new records.

How much does one need for a good living? In a country where majority of the population still struggles for basic necessities, billions are stashed away by the politicians hobnobbing with the elite business class.

The government when it comes to taxes says there is not much room left to offer reprieve to manage the budget deficit. The ordinary man on the street has to bear, taxes, frequent rise in petrol prices and also inflation.

If we take in to account the loss caused to the public exchequer due to corruption, the funds are enough to cover the budget deficit caused by tax cuts.

The issue with ordinary Indians is that we are very tolerant people. Politicians have looted the country for ages yet we allow them to be the in the centre stage of politics. Indians might have the best minds, but they have the shortest memory. We have become a nation of people who have lost hope that change is possible.

Economic prosperity has pushed a whole lot of population from middle class to upper middle class status. The more the person moves up the ladder, less affected he is by the happenings around. Gap between the rich and poor also has widened. Rise of the Maoist forces in the country is also a result of this. We express our frustration or lack of it in extreme forms, a middle path is not visible.

Mass activism like the kind witnessed in Egypt is required.

Initially I thought lack of leadership could be the reason for lack of activism. The Egypt uprising showed us how in the new age no one is needed to lead from the front. What is required is awakening. Indians are sleeping, or rather pretending to be asleep. As the saying goes “you can wake up a sleeping person, but try waking up a person pretending to be asleep.

Wake up my fellow countrymen.

Positive Thinking

The other day when I visited my family doc , she advised me to stay positive. Since I know her right from the time I was a baby, I opened up to her. It was bad day I guess so I was ranting.

Her statement made me wonder, because she herself is going through a crisis time. Her husband is suffering from lung issues , which has severely affected his mobility and hence hers too. I recalled how active her husband was, both of them were very religious. They used to conduct annual pilgrimage to holy places and my mother used to go with them. The couple always was present at all religious functions, they were engaged in godly service post their retirement.

Apart from that they also volunteered for a lot of charity.

When my doc's husband fell ill, first thing that came to mind is , why them, because as far as I know they were good people in all respects. I had read somewhere that making you suffer is god's way of testing your faith. When my doc made that statement I thought she too is taking this as a test of her faith.

I am not a very religious person, but yes I am very driven by my conscience. Looking back at life I am grateful for things that life has bestowed on me. Yet as the Maslow's need hierarchy theory suggests, one set of needs are fulfilled our aspirations graduate in to the second set.

So the quest continues.

Is it natural to be positive always. Is it not human to slip in to negative zone. I consciously try to be positive, but there are moments when you start slipping. I think most of us are in neutral zone, I mean neither positive nor negative. As we go about in our day to day life most of us remain in the neutral zone till we face a situation wherein we are pushed to the positive or negative zone.

When I was young , I noticed that my dad and mom used to say they expect the worst outcomes out of things, so that what ever is the result, it doesn't jolt them. I think it was their way of expecting something positive, strange but that was their take. In my case, I have seen whatever is my fear comes out to be true, so I cant afford to take their approach, it does not work for me. But at times it is not in my control, I don't know if its my thought process that results in how my destiny shapes up or is it the universal force which kind of warns me in advance what is in store for me and when it happens I am like " I knew this was going to happen".

Your mind can think positively, but your heart is your god. If you listen to it, it will tell you what is coming up. Train your mind to think positive, but never ignore the heart. That has been my experience.

Influencing

My cousin recently pointed out to me that unlike her I do not force people to change their opinions. Am I bad at the art of influencing. So many years in the corporate world has forced me to look at every feed back from a corporate angle. But she was not referring to that angle.

Me and my cousin always have long conversation on views that we both have. She according to her tries her best to convince people that what she says is correct, whereas in my case I hear them out and tell them where I stand and what I believe. She thought my approach was not correct.

To be very frank I agree in her opinion about me. But I have a reason, life's experiences have taught me that we never get to know the full story. No matter how much we open up, there are some facts which we end up keeping with ourselves, consciously or unconsciously. More over when we open, our expression is influenced by our state of mind, these expressions are facts combined with interpretations. The listener at the other end would totally depend on us to give an opinion , so the output has to do with the input.

I have always had people lean on my shoulders ..so much so that I at times felt that there is this pull in me which draws people towards me to share their sorrows...which at times can drain you. I hear every one out . When it comes to give my opinion, I don't take extreme postures, neither do I endorse blindly what they feel or make out of the situation. This is because I always think what we get to hear is at the max, 80% of what would have transpired. Of that 80%, a great % is based on ones interpretation of things. In such a case the best stand that I take is present in black and white all possible outcomes and solutions.

I never zero in on a final decision for others. I let them take that, not because I do not know how to influence, it is because I don't want to influence solely based on what I heard them say.

It is human nature, we will never be able to say everything about our life, for various reasons.

A public life

Today everyone is on Facebook, twitter and other social networking sites. You don't exist if you don't have an online profile. The first thing most of us do when we need to know about a person is to google him or her. I was introduced to this kind of snooping 2 yrs back, when my friends husband casually mentioned during one of our conversations that he married my friend after a google background check. That prompted me to google myself!!!.

I was stunned to find out that my name already came up in the options so I did not have to type my whole name. This implies some one did google me, not so sure though as I have a very common name. Everything just popped up, I mean, my Facebook profile, Linked In profile, My comments on various websites etc etc. That's when I realized that without my knowledge the cyber world was keeping record of my activities. The very next thing I did was disable the google search options in these networking sites. I was not comfortable living a very public life.

Same with Facebook, I do not post updates on what happens in my life on a daily basis, whereas some of my friends do that regularly. I often log on to Facebook but activities is restricted to updates from friends. Amongst my friends a few are like me, passive on Facebook, I guess they too just log on to see what is happening around. At times I think I am a curious cat, want to know what is going around, but not interested in posting what is happening around me. If people stop posting live updates, I guess I would not possibly log on to Facebook.

While there are people who crave for social recognition, there are others like me who is looking out to what others are doing. There is a good amount of balance between them and hence the show goes on. Over the years I have come across personality types based on the updates that people post on these networking sites. They are:

The Gung Ho types:- Life for these types rock. Nothing seems to be wrong in their life, at least they appear. They post about everything they do, any airport, hotel they check in, any party they attend, conversations are all online!!!!.

The Romantic kinds: These are the ones who are either fallen in love or are newly married. They post pictures of themselves together, every little event is photographed and posted. The standard comments are, "so sweet or so cute", "You guys look good together" etc etc.

The comment hungry kinds: These are the ones I hate. They post everything expecting people to comment. In fact I have been reminded more than once I have not commented on their pictures. Come on guys..get a life. Well I understand that comments are liked by all, but don't force people to comment.

The sympathy seekers: These are the kinds who post touching messages reflecting their own state of life . They are sad, they make you sad. I understand the need to pour out your grief, but I guess pouring our to some one in flesh and blood is always better. Online outpouring of grief just gives you sympathizers who sympathize with you in one line written as a comment. Those really concerned will call you up..and check how many calls you get ..they are the ones who really care.

The activists: These are the kinds who always post their frustrations over political or administrative failures. I think networking sites help release their pent up energy, but wait a minute, is it because of this that nowadays we do not see people's movement and get to see more of online movements. This is a good way of awakening people.

The family centric: They posts are around their wives and kids. Any new thing their kids do finds its way to the sites. All holidays, birthday parties etc etc

The passive kinds: I belong to this category. We are kinds who are observing everyone as life goes on. Once in a while we make our presence felt, by posting a comment or a picture. Every post is after much thought, we think a lot. We form impressions about the kind of life a person lives by their networking personalities, the kinds listed above, should I say any thing more :-)

Losing battle of nerves

How many of us have argued with our mothers and won an argument. Are there many..because I never do. It is always a battle lost.
The minute I try to correct her, she says I have no right to do so, because she is the mom and I am the child. Are mom's always right. I am not sure if it has to do with the typical Indian order in which respect has to be given which is , Mother , Father, Teacher and then God. She thinks she can never be wrong and I am simply not able to convince that she can be wrong.

She is one who is a personification of Amrytya Sen's book "Argumentative Indians". She would argue, argue and argue. I try to bring in corporate decorum in our conversations, and drag her attention when she wavers (which is often the case) from the topic. But she would convert the conversation to an argument and in no time I lose the corporate decorum as I am made to pull up my sleeve.
The battle is finally won on emotional grounds and I give up. Her standard words are
1) I brought you up and you have no right to teach me things,
2) Don't think now that I am dependent on you, you can say whatever you want (the fact is that she hardly allows me to say anything :-)
3) I would go to some old age home and spend rest of my life there.
I finally give up!

When was the last time you were content with life

A few months back I was driving from Rhode Island to Connecticut , roughly 2 hours drive. I took along a colleague for company. During our conversation she mentioned that she is very content with her life and she is really happy at the way her life is going.
At that point it struck me that I never made such a statement ever in my life. Well it was not just a statement, you actually have to feel it and she did say that from the bottom of her heart.
But still I doubted her and tried to probe to find what made her say that she was content. I thought may be she was referring to her present state, a momentary phase in her life. I was just not ready to accept this statement as it appeared.
If you ask me why, that is because I did not come across any one who said this, every one had some or other issue that was lacking in their life. The issues could be trivial, but it did bother them to the extent that they did not feel that it was the best life. My colleague then went to elaborate, how she had a smooth life till now, whatever she aspired for she got, aspirations were not ivory tower aspirations. They were little little dreams, like good education, a nice husband, a stable job, a decent house. She said she did not aspire anything more.
Once I reached Connecticut, the first thing I told my cousin was my colleagues statement. She immediately dismissed that. She told me that is impossible and even if it was true, that is just a phase and this too shall pass. The grounds for dismissing my colleagues statement was "she has to see life as yet". Yes my colleague was only 25, so in a way she has just started living her life.
Though my cousin dismissed my colleague's statement, I did believe her. I never made a statement at 25 that I was content in life. I was more miserable that what I am today, because I had a laundry list of items that I had to achieve, an apartment, a better job etc etc.

I understood where my cousin's outburst came from. She was a qualified engineer in the US but without a job. Thanks to recession any possibility of her landing a job was next to zero.Her husband is a doctorate holder but stuck with a job that he is not enjoying, but he has no option but to hang on to feed his family.
Net net I realized that feeling content has to do at what stage of life you are in and how successful you are in achieving your dreams, the dreams need not be lofty..it is the sense of achievement and how easily you achieve it.
I decided to believe that my colleague actually meant what she said. Had I been in her position, I would have said the same, because the factors that made her content were the same factors that made me discontent when I was her age. So when was the last time you felt content in life ?